I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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