He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
