I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
