Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
