I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
