She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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