had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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