Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
