i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
