So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
