you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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