Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
