I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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