I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
