The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
