Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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