Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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