Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
