listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
