why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
