at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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