i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
BRING THE BAGELS
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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