Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
