After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
