It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
