Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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