I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
