In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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