she woke up with a sticky ear
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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