i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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