Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
