No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
