textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
