my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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