The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
