How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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