cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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