I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
