after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dear god my vagina.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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