you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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