she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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