Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
