I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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