In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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