it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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