She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
