I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
