if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
