I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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