I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
