No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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