If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
